All Things

Rethinking PA Slots, and Beyond

Slots in Pennsylvania.

Bad Idea, I thought.

But I'm beginning to change my mind, and here's why:

This "minor" gambling initiative--after all, they're just little ol' slot machines, single-gambler vice-o-matics, oversized gumball dispensers for adult rather than child pleasure--this minor gambling initiative can serve as an icebreaker for so many other great diversions that aren't yet legal in Pennsylvania, but could be, and probably should be.

So far, most of the half-dozen or so Slots Parlors that have succeeded in starting up are out in the hinterlands somewhere. But just think, once the Philadelphia riverfront clears its hurdles and gets their wagering parlors opened; and when Gettysburg's pro-gambling faction shouts down the historical societies and other high-nosed objectors and christens Battlefield Slots with its first ten-million-nickel winner; then the rest of us will ease up, will relax, and Pennsylvania can proceed to become a role model as the state of progress--an island of open-minded exhilaration and 21st-century pleasures with cagily clever historic tie-ins, surrounded by those old-hat, old-fashioned states trying to catch up with our trendiness.

Of course, all along we've all realized that the little ol' slot machines were just an icebreaker themselves—and once they're in place and sucking up revenue, it's only a matter of time before the state administration pushes for the inevitable next evolution--expansion to true and classic gaming; poker, blackjack, keno, sports betting, high-stakes bingo... all the real good stuff.

But why stop there? There's lots more!! Sad, poor, state-assisted, depressed, and other ne’er-do-well characters have money to spend, and not nearly enough outlets for unrealistic dreams of unlikely riches—and new alternatives of commercial pleasure.

I'm talking about substances. Mind-altering recreation. A new dimension in tourist attraction that could raise Pennsylvania to new highs and take our citizenry and tourism beyond—oh so far beyond our great heritage and history.

Consider the tax dollars Mannheim Marijuana Mansion would raise for elderly Pennsylvanians… imagine the funding Historic Harrisburg Heroin Hall would produce for urban blight, firefighting, energy alternatives, and animal husbandry.

Remember the date-rape drug? I hear that this medicine, which also has legitimate medical usage, is much maligned, with hangover-free recreational potential. Our state tourism bureau could promote (out of state, of course) bus trips to Delaware Water Gap Date Rape Drug Den Weekends! Club Med could develop a resort on Lake Wallenpaupack, and Med wouldn’t mean Mediterranean, buster!

Then, once we’ve lowered Pennsylvania’s needlessly, artificially high moral threshold with slot machines and High-Stakes Hold’em, and segued it down a little more with savvy marketing of recreational euphoria outlets…what’s the natural progression after gambling and drugs? Sex, of course.

When I thought about this, I really got excited. Not because it’s sex—well, not just because it’s sex. See, my previous thinking was that Pennsylvania could do quite well remaining a family state, an island of simple pleasures and historic attractions, as it is now, surrounded by other states with their glitzy resorts and gambling palaces. But now I realized that the new permissive Pennsylvania can combine historical interest with modern entertainment aesthetics, and outdraw all our neighboring states combined. How? We can repurpose Pennsylvania’s healthy ration of in-state exotic dancers, internet candygirls, and streetcorner specialists as legitimate, licensed, unionized strumpets, wenches and pleasurers, in state-of-the-art, clean, aboveboard establishments such as Valley Forge's Sexual Historical Reenactment Center, where the customers play the parts in dramatizations of Casanova, Cleopatra, the Mayflower madam. Think Where’s the Cigar with Bill and Monica. Or Crossdressing with J. Edgar and Susie.

And then, although Limerick Township officials have nimbied a slots parlor there, after the ice is broken perhaps The Limerick Center for Live Interpretation of Classic Lurid Limericks will catch their fancy.

At first, seeing some of the snags impeding smooth progress toward Pennsylvania's becoming a gaming state, I felt a smug satisfaction. Community resistance, political missteps, crony issues--the arising problems and slow progress all seemed appropriate in the wake of a gambling initiative that the administration and legislature engineered minus a statewide vote or consensus.

I’m not concerned about all that anymore. I’m relaxing, going with the flow, getting used to the idea of Brave, New Pennsylvania.

And, one final bright side: in this new, progressive, permissive Pennsylvania, perhaps they'll finally--finally!--do away with that regressive ‘ol LCB.